Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
