it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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