Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
