So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Randomize
