I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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