If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
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I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
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I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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