Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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