Yo dont text me then not text me
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
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