Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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