I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
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Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
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You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
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