I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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