I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
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Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
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Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I wish there were birth control emojis
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.