I heard we made out
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
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