Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
