Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.