Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
