i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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