She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
