If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
