I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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