you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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