I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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