i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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