just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
