Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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