remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
We left an ass print on the piano.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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