toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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