Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
