she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
