does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
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Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
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You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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