4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
