Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
