just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
