You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Randomize
