I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
