he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
