found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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