went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
