i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
