Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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