And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
