Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
