I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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