Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
