chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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