I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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