He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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