everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
