I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
