I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
