i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
