I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
