FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
