i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
