Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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