I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Randomize
