i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Randomize
