I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
