Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
