I wish I could teleport
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
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