Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Randomize
